After a challenging year with the very public incident between her and former lover and heart throb Chris Brown, superstar Rihanna has made great strides to raise awareness about the dangers and consequences of dating violence. Her recent Primetime interview on ABC’s 20/20 was reported to have had 8.2 million viewers, including the highest number of 18-34 year olds the show has seen in three years.

Rihanna’s appearance served as an inspiration to countless viewers, giving many girls and women the strength to break free from physically and emotionally abusive relationships. Her courage to come forth and share her story, despite the shame and criticism from many, was very heroic. It was a grand step in a positive direction to turn a painful situation into something good.

However, her latest move, allowing racy images to adorn the cover and pages of GQ magazine, leaves one wondering, what in the world she and her marketing team were thinking…or were they thinking at all. Knowing the mass numbers of impressionable young girls who admire and are influenced by her style and talent, who thought appearing on the cover with little more than a birthday suit, and other pictures that leave little to the imagination was a good idea? READ MORE…

To my surprise, she began to share that she was depressed and extremely stressed out with school, friendships and family relations at home; explaining that she was just trying to keep her head above water.  As I listened to her frustrations and she began identifying her needs, she expressed that what she wanted and needed more than anything in the world was to have quality time with her parents. 

As tears welled up in her eyes, my heart went out to her because I realized that her comments were oh so familiar and are echoed and communicated by many youth that I come in contact with.  Whether they share their feeling in small group sessions, in private prayer requests, or express them through their actions of self-destruction, our youth are crying out and the thing they want most of all is something that every parent and care giver can give.  Time and time again I hear that kids want verbal and demonstrative acts of love and affection that have nothing to do with material things that have a big price tag.

During this holiday season I have read about parents standing in line overnight for the latest toys and gadgets, and heard news reports that the average family will spend up to $800 for Christmas gifts.  In the hustle and bustle of the season, how many of us actually take the time to consider that while the presents are being stacked under the tree and the cash registers are ringing off the hook to the satisfaction of the retailers, many of our youth at the end of the day on December 25^th would much rather have a year filled with hugs, affirmations and the simple words “I love you”?

As I was wrapping up my conversation with the beautiful girl mentioned, she shared that although parents assume kids know that they are loved, she felt it is important for them to hear the words.  As she was leaving me that day, she begged me to share with all parents, that a heart-felt “I love you” spoken daily, a hug (regardless of age), or a few hours a week of uninterrupted time with them can give a child the strength, encouragement and boost of self-esteem needed to fight the many pressures they face in today’s world. 

So, my Christmas gift to her is to share her heartfelt plea with the parents of world.  Let’s make sure that as we make that Christmas list and check it twice, that we don’t forget the most important gift and the one that will last a life time… the gift of love, appreciation and affirmation to our children.

For great inexpensive ideas consider the following:

• Schedule a weekly date with your child/children.
• Eat dinner together nightly as a family.
• Take an evening walk together.
• Plan a weekly game or video night.
• Create a daily bedtime ritual (story time, prayer or tea time).
• Take an interest in the things that interest your child/children.

Nicole Steele is President of GEM Makers Ministries and Executive Director of Diamond In The Rough a faith-based leadership program that provides group mentoring, life skills training and career coaching to girls ages 4-18. For more information on Diamond In The Rough visit www.ditr.org or call (678) 376-9676. 

Copyright 2009, Nicole Steele and GEM Makers Ministries. Used with permission.

An impressionable, hormonal, pre-teen girl concerned about the many things that often pre-occupy the hearts and mind of girls.  Unsure about the future and how I fit in, I like many other young girls was insecure in more ways than even I could imagine.

Yet with all the uncertainties of teenage life, one thing I could always depend on was the unconditional love and support of my mother.  Now in no way does this mean that home was without drama, frustrations, and a clash of personalities.  But what I am thankful of most of all, is that through it all, my Mother never gave up hope in the beautiful daughter that she knew she gave birth to.

Likewise, I encourage many of the parents that I come in contact with through the work that we do in Diamond In The Rough, not to give up on their daughters either.  For some parents, it may seem overwhelming at times as tempers fly high, and hormones rage out of control, but what I know first hand is that the love, prayers and support of family can overcome all.

Parents can take many steps to create an environment where communications flow freely and their homes become a place of refuge from a crazy world. A few suggestions include:

• Take time out – In a busy world, it’s very easy for parents to become consumed with the pressures and demands of life, but contrary to popular belief, many youth actually equate their parents love with the amount of time they spend, not with the stuff they buy. 
• Don’t make assumptions – Don’t assume that because your daughter is growing and developing that her teenage years are going to be unbearable.  Every child is unique and requires a unique approach.  Even parents with multiple children report having to nurture siblings in different ways.
• Set the atmosphere – Believe it our not most girls would prefer talking with their parents about the difficult subjects they face. However, they will only open up if they feel parents will be open to their questions.  It’s up to parents to create an open environment where youth can not only talk but also be heard.
• Set boundaries and verbalize your expectations – Many parents make the mistake of trying to be their daughter’s best friends, but youth need structure and they need boundaries.  Parents need to make their family values known to their children and go a step further by actually living them out.  Your teens will have many friends over their lifetime, but will only have one set of parents (in most cases).
• Celebrate your daughters – Love your daughters unconditionally and don’t miss everyday opportunities to express your love and appreciation for them.  Whether it’s writing note and placing it under her pillow, buying flowers when she accomplishes a personal goal, complimenting her on her uniqueness, or making her favorite meal together as you talk about her dreams.  Seize every opportunity large and small to communicate your love and appreciate for her.  It will truly mean more than you could ever imagine.

Nicole Steele is President of GEM Makers Ministries and Executive Director of Diamond In The Rough a faith-based leadership program that provides group mentoring, life skills training and career coaching to girls ages 4-18. For more information on Diamond In The Rough visit www.ditr.org or call (678) 376-9676. 

 Copyright 2009, Nicole Steele and GEM Makers Ministries. Used with permission.

Although, not able to fly faster than a speeding bullet, or leap tall buildings in a single bound, the power and influence of a father in the life of a child can far exceed what any Super Hero could ever accomplish.  If you don’t believe me, just ask my 5 year-old daughter about her Dad.  She will tell you that he is the strongest, smartest, greatest man in the world.  In her eyes and her heart, he is King. 

 Dads are powerful role models and teachers, and are often instrumental in drawing a blueprint in the hearts and minds of their daughters based on their involvement or lack there of.  Several studies have suggested over the years, that how a young girl relates to her father can directly effect her behavior and shape the way she feels and interacts with men throughout her life.    According to a survey conducted by The National PTA, there are numerous benefits of a father daughter bond, including:

• Greater academic achievement and future job opportunities.
• A greater chance to avoid teen pregnancy.
• A better developed sense of self-confidence and self-reliance.
• An ability to set long-term goals.
• A reduction in likelihood of entering into abusive relationships later in life.
• Stronger ability to avoid and resist peer pressure in regard to sex, drug and alcohol abuse.
• A decreased chance of developing depression and eating disorders.

I recognize what some describe as a “Dad-shaped hole” in the hearts hundreds of girls I have worked with over the years.  The absence of a father is sometimes identified through anger, depression and low-self esteem.  But I have also seen the tremendous impact an active father or other male role model can make in the life of a girl. 

Many fathers get overwhelmed at the physical and emotional changes that take place in the bodies of minds of girls, and some become intimidated or down right freaked out.  But it’s especially important during the hormonal challenges of adolescents, that girls receive the guidance, encouragement and support of a father.

I am often asked, “What happens if the biological father is not in the home”?  Well fortunately, all is not loss.  Fathers who are absent from the home, still have a responsibility to be active in  their child’s life and must make their child their priority by spending quality time on a consistent basis.  Step-fathers, uncles, big brothers or family friends can also step in to provide consistent support for those whose fathers are not present.

This month, we salute the men who have been a super hero in the lives of their little girls.  The men who have worked hard to provide, those who have sat on the side-lines during games, those who have stayed up late night providing help with homework and projects, and those who lend an ear and know just what to say.  Thank you Dads for all you do and for setting the high standards you have and treating your daughter like the true Princess she is.

Nicole Steele is President of GEM Makers Ministries and Executive Director of Diamond In The Rough a faith-based leadership program that provides group mentoring, life skills training and career coaching to girls ages 4-18. For more information on Diamond In The Rough visit www.ditr.org or call (678) 376-9676. 

 Copyright 2009, Nicole Steele and GEM Makers Ministries. Used with permission.

The Facts On Teen Dating Violence

 One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse.

• 40% of teenage girls, ages 14 to 17, know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by their partner.
• Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in her intimate relationship continue to date their abuser.
• 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse.
• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a break-up.

At Diamond In The Rough, we understand the importance of addressing the very hard issues facing young women today and we strive to shed light for our GEMS, parents and the community at large.

Many victims of teen dating violence don’t consider themselves to be in abusive relationships because there are no physical scars or bruises.  It’s important that youth and parents recognize that dating abuse isn’t always physical, but can include verbal and emotional abuse or controlling behaviors.

 It’s also important to recognize that the victims of teen dating violence are not only girls but can also include boys.  Many parents today have seen a rise in aggressive behavior among females and it’s important that we not maintain a double standard.

It’s important for parents to talk to their daughters about the friendships and relationships they enter into and to discuss the signs and signals of potentially dangerous relationships.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there.  Parents have to be on the look out for signs and be ready to take action.  There are often signs easily overlooked which can be clear red flags for any parent or family friend.

Warning signs include:

• Extreme jealousy.
• Constant put-downs or name calling.
• Control over where to go and what to wear.
• Making false accusations.
• Excessive phone calls or text messages to track activities.
• Isolation from family and friends.
• History of previous abusive relationships.
• Unexplained bruises or injuries.
• Drastic changes in behavior.

 If you suspect your child or a friend is in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship

you can tell them that what they are experiencing is not normal and they deserve better.  Point out the fact that although they may consider it “love”, explain that “love” doesn’t hurt. 

Be supportive and utilize the many resources that are available to keep your child safe including contacting organizations like The Partnership Against Domestic Violence or Destiny Roads Family Violence Center.

Lastly, teach your daughters and sons about healthy relationships by setting an example through your own relationships.

Our daughters have the right to be free from harm.  If you suspect your daughter or her friends are in a potentially abusive relationship, take action.

 Nicole Steele is President of GEM Makers Ministries and Executive Director of Diamond In The Rough a faith-based mentoring and leadership program for girls ages 4-18. For more information on Diamond In The Rough visit www.ditr.org or call (678) 376-9676. 

 Copyright 2009, Nicole Steele and GEM Makers Ministries.  All rights reserved.